Pain, Death, and Rebirth

by syamusa

It isn’t often that I am this involved,

You were standing there and staring at me with your childish gaze,

I always saw the loneliness in them,

I guess that’s what drawn me to you,

Because I, too, felt loneliness…very much so.

 

Perhaps, that was our weakness,

Two souls bound only by loneliness,

Though there was love; love was secondary,

To my lost soul, I couldn’t bare the thought of being alone,

Emotional abuse was insignificant,

The thought of losing my kindred partner felt all too scary.

 

But separation was inevitable,

For me, it was enough to keep my loneliness at bay with you alone,

But for you, I was not enough,

You held on to your past,

A bond that I could not compare,

I saw it, I felt it, I chose to ignore it,

But I knew that it had to be address.

 

As with all secrets,

They turn into lies,

I swallowed each and every one of them,

Hoping to believe in them,

But the illusion was shattered,

The truth became as clear as day,

It couldn’t be ignored,

My hands shook, my eyes watered,

But although my soul was weeping,

I held on a brave face.

 

Even after the lies,

I tried to cling on,

But as fate would have it,

I felt a brighter light ahead of me,

It shone so brilliantly,

I couldn’t help but be drawn,

And yet, I couldn’t let go of you,

The one that has turned dark in my heart.

 

Light shone brightly,

Lies building up,

I was confused,

My heart was drawn to the happiness the light gave,

But I was still chained towards you.

 

Lies built up,

To the point where even you became the lie,

It was easy then, very easy,

I closed the door on your lonely eyes,

And went into the light.

 

Hey, lonely soul,

You are a broken one I know,

Your loneliness consumed every bit of your being,

I know,

Because I was like you once upon a time,

But I’ve found my light,

And I only pray,

That you’ll find yours in the future too…

The Meaning of Love

by syamusa

When the people around you say things like ‘You deserve better’, what do you do? Do you believe them, and go ahead with your life trying to find the right one that is deserving of you? Or do you believe them, but follow what your heart truly want?

For several months these questions had been floating about in my mind. But after really sitting with myself, and with the help of someone really close to me actually…I think I’ve finally understood what it means to love.

Ok I’m not a rocket scientist when it comes to love. But when I really think of TRUE love, I think of my parents and as cheesy as it sounds….God. I’m not the best of daughters nor am I the best of servants for God. And of course my parents deserve better…and well I’m just not a good servant I guess.

My point is that yes there will be people you love that don’t deserve your love but…in all honesty, I think no one truly deserves another…because no one is perfect. My parents would never abandon me and then bring home another perfect daughter into their lives. Because they love me…so no matter how much I disappoint them, hurt them, anger them…at the end of the day they still accept me and love me all the same.

And I guess that’s what made me realize that…love isn’t about finding the perfect one, love is about accepting the person you’re with…that means all of his/her good and bad points. Love isn’t about wanting to always be with the person, isn’t about the giddyness you feel when you wake up in the morning thinking of him/her. It’s about loyalty…it’s about understanding. I’ve finally understood it.

So…since true love is about being understanding…then…shouldn’t we give that to our partners? I think the reason why we get so worked up by the mistakes our partners do, is because we didn’t have to grow up with the person, and the feelings that we feel for them are just too strong that we feel so vulnerable when we’re with them. So we place a wall between ourselves and our partners, to ensure that we don’t get hurt in the end…if something were to happen.

But…something would happen. Because humans aren’t perfect and no matter how much we want to believe in the beautiful tales shown in movies, it’s not like that in real life. There won’t be a sparkly vampire who’d love you unconditionally and give in to your every needs. Nor will there be a super hot babe who’d want you to bang her every time you feel like it (forgive me if I offended any guys out there ). The person you’re with will hurt you. And in that moment, you need to decide whether or not you are willing to forgive the person…whether or not you love the person enough to forgive.

Okay…keep in mind though…I do not condone domestic violence. I’m just saying if you truly love the person, you need to give them the chance to redeem themselves should anything happen. Because you owe it to the love you have to do so. But it’s really up to you where do you draw the line; where the love stops. Loving unconditionally is stupid. However, loving someone isn’t.

And when I realized this…I felt at peace. Being the person I am, I’m quite frankly a people pleaser. If I think my actions would cause the disapproval of others, it makes me feel bad. But…having realized this…I came to understand that…it’ll be okay. Because I know if others love me the way I do, they would still accept me…even if I disappoint them. Don’t worry. I know I deserve better…but you all deserve better too. In the end of the day though, we all need to choose whether or not the people in our lives are still deserving enough to be in your heart.

Love you all <3

Sya

Farewell to a Beautiful Year

by syamusa

Since 2011 is going to come to an end, I guess it is sort of compulsory to write about the experiences gained this year. Hmmm…well…

What can I say? It truly has been a beautiful year. Not just for me, but for my whole family.

As you probably know, both my siblings got married this year. It came as a complete shock to my parents and I mind you – we never would have even imagine that both of them would get married this year.

Sure, we knew my brother would want to get married soon. But see, since my parents are pretty big on tradition, they’d prefer my sister to get married first. Which she eventually did, only about 5 months ahead of my brother.

Huh. When people ask me what it feels like to have both siblings get married this year, I’d say that it’s definitely been an adventure. I’m going to miss all the wedding prep – the food tasting, the wrapping of gifts, the random relatives coming over to discuss matters during the wedding. But what was even more incredible to witness…was the pure happiness in both my brother’s and sister’s eyes.

I actually mentioned that in my speech – which no one could hear. But nevertheless, it’s definitely something I’m so happy to see. I’m not saying that I want to jump the wedding wagon, but really it was nice seeing a fiction like fairy tale come to life. And I didn’t just see it once, I saw it twice.

But perhaps one of the treasures that I got for myself this year is love.  And no I’m not just talking about the love people give me, but the love I’ve developed for people around me. There have been so many additions to the family this year, even relatives that I weren’t close to now have become one of my favourite people of all time. But perhaps the most treasured love I feel this year, is the love I feel for this special person who decided to come into my life on July 17^th, 2011. I’m sure he knows who he is

Love comes in the most unsuspecting way. Even when you’re not looking for it, it’ll somehow come to find you. I definitely weren’t looking for love, hell love was the furthest from my mind when I met this person. But then…now that I’ve gotten it, I really don’t know how to make myself stop feeling the way I do. And I hope that he feels the same way.

Also, what I’m grateful for…is the love that continues to follow me throughout my life. My parents, my friends…including my gorgeous lover . I know I’m not exactly the best person at times, but it’s nice to know that there are still people in my life that I can depend on.

Love. Love. And more love. Definitely a year to remember. If 2012 really is the end of the world (which I don’t believe in at all…but for the sake of being poetic…), then I pray that on the last day of Earth I’d get to at least think of all of these beautiful events occurring to me, I hope I do get to remember 2011.

Memories are not recordings that you can rewind and replay and watch it exactly as it has happened. Memories are, quite frankly, what you make them to be. This year, I’m not saying that I haven’t been hurt, I haven’t been disappointed or stressed or depressed…but I’m merely choosing to keep the good memories close to my heart…or the amygdala and hippocampus of the brain to be more precise (amygdala of the brain = regulating emotions, hippocampus = memories…sorry psychology part of me needs to speak).

Anyway, I pray that no matter how good, or crappy this year may be for anyone of you readers out there, that you’d choose the good memories to remember but to understand your regrets so that you may do better for the year to come.

Happy New Year guys!

Sya

The blogging dilemma

by wunkey

Do you just blog whatever is in your mind?

People blog about different things all the time. Some like to blog about their colourful lives, some blog about food, and some pictures. If you read through the posts that I’ve made, you’ll notice that other than the absolutely lame ones, I usually blog about my opinions. And sometimes I have trouble deciding what to post and what not to.

You see most of these opinionated posts are inspired by some small incidents that I happen to experience or witness, that prompt my brain to form a judgement or some kind of explanation or conclusion. And sometimes these incidents are very much connected to the people around me, some of which do read this blog. (Do they really? It’s probably better to say that they may possibly read my posts since they have the blog link. Can’t say they really do read for sure) So even if I use anonymous names, the people related in the posts would inevitably conclude that I am talking about them. There’s really no problem if I’m complimenting them in the posts, but what if the post is about my opinion differing from theirs or one that condemns their behaviour? Should I still put it up?

Most of the time, I do not directly insult people by blogging. If I’m really unhappy about someone I care, I would approach them directly, in private, instead of blogging about it publicly, making everyone else guess about who it is about and leaving the person in question uncomfortable.What usually happens, though, is I make a generalization. Many a times I already have an opinion formed about something, for example, about whining and complaining. But I am reminded and have the urge to blog about it only when someone does that in front of me. And of course, if that person happen to visit our blog, he/she will definitely come to the conclusion that I’m bitching about him/her since he/she recently just whined to me. Just wanna make it clear, sure, that post applies to you, but it’s not JUST about you, it’s about everyone who does that. I don’t do personal attacks. It’s just a general statement that I dislike that attitude. Doesn’t mean I don’t like you as a whole.

But what happens if I am confronted with a situation where whatever I want to blog is exclusively about that person? Where I have never formed an opinion before, and it formed because the person in question did or say something? Do I still blog about it?

Sure, I could make it sound like a generalization as well. But it doesn’t go well with my conscience; like I’ve said, I don’t do personal attacks, especially if I don’t particularly dislike that person. What makes me even more uncomfortable is that some of my friends do discuss about blogs. Like about how so and so dissed another person on his/her blog. I can totally imagine them talking about how I dissed someone else in my blog. That makes me squirm.

Blogging is a funny thing. Some people are very decisive about this – they either want to share their thoughts publicly or they want to make blogging their private haven, something like a diary, where no one or only selected few can enter. I envy them. I think most of us fall somewhere in between. We want to share our thoughts to our friends and family, and yet sometimes we hope that certain people don’t read it. Or maybe we just want to rant privately but secretly hope that someone reads it and give us a pat on our backs and say, hey, I get what you mean. And sometimes when we privatise our blogs so that only our closest friends could read them, just to find ourselves in a dilemma when we want to blog about those closest friends. Can you imagine the awkwardness? It’s like you’re writing about that person knowing that only he/she can view your blog. It’s like you’re writing a letter to him/her, but saying that it’s about some random guy/girl, knowing full well that the person who reads the post is the one you’re talking about.

I understand that some things are best left unsaid. Having said that, I still do have some moments where I really really want to blog about it, even though I shouldn’t or can’t, like an itch at a place you can’t reach waiting to be scratched. I guess that’s what best friends are for – to help you relieve that itch while bitching about some other things that you can’t blog about.

 

Someone Like You

by syamusa

“Someone Like You”

I heard that you’re settled down
That you found a girl and you’re married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn’t give to you.

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain’t like you to hold back or hide from the light.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it.
I had hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded
That for me it isn’t over.

Never mind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don’t forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
“Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,”
Yeah.

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it.
I had hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded
That for me it isn’t over.

Never mind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don’t forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
“Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.”

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don’t forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
“Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.”

Never mind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don’t forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
“Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.”

Okay why am I quoting Adele’s Someone Like You? Well I’ve been told by two people I’m very close to that this song reminds them of me. The first person who said that even sang and recorded it for me. Now at first, I didn’t really know how to take it. A heart broken song sounds like me? Really? Do I give off the heart broken vibe everytime you see me? XD

But regardless of whatever their reasons may be for saying this song sounds like me…the lyrics really do speak to my soul. For some odd reason o.O. lol

Yeah a random post LMAO. But I thought it would be interesting to share this…and I’m so sorry for not writing in this blog for a while now. It’s been a hectic semester…and all I really wanna do is to go back to warm Malaysia and be around the people I love.

“I think I forgot to turn off the gas”

by wunkey

Today I volunteered to accompany my grandfather to the hospital so that he doesn’t have to circle all round it, find a place to park, walk all the way back to the nephrology department, place his order for peritoneal dialysis solution, hurry back to his car again and hope that it’s not locked down. All of a sudden, as we were heading towards the hospital, he was hit by self doubt that plagues me all the time. For me, it’s always, “did I lock the car?” or “did I close the windows?”. This time, he exclaimed, “I think I forgot to turn off the gas”.

His expression turned oh so serious, and you could see the cogs of his mind turning, trying to recall if he turned it off. So I promptly told him that we have no choice but to complete your errand, head back home and just pray that your rice isn’t burnt. To which he replied, “why not you take the car back home, turn off the gas, and then come back to the hospital to fetch me?”

How could I not entertain his request? Once he dropped off, I took the car back home to solve the great mystery. Walked into the kitchen and…

… there was no fire. He did turn the gas off.

So I headed back to the hospital again and picked him up, took him back home, to enjoy the unburnt rice.

When I’m lost

by wunkey

Inevitably there are times where too many things are happening at once, or when a sudden unexpected news hits you in the face, or when you realize that you need some serious damage control over something stupid you’ve done. I always feel like I need a time out from life when presented with these problems. But there isn’t any time out because life is like a dvd that cannot be paused. Like when you’re in the cinema and you need to answer a call, nature or not, the movie ain’t gonna pause.

So what do I do? I suppose I’m a “checklist” kinda person. I would form in my mind a checklist of what needs to be done, and first divide them into categories of things that I can do, and things that can’t be helped. The latter category will be filed away because I know that no matter how much I worry about them, I can’t do a thing about them. The former I will sort according to importance. Some items may be grouped together and performed together to save time. Some I may outsource for help. Then I will assign the tasks to designated time slots. And proceed to take action. If there isn’t much that can be done then I’ll just do something totally unrelated, like jogging or reading manga. I’m beginning to speak gibberish but you may know what I mean.

Somehow doing all these calms me. It’s like I have a purpose and I’m doing all I can to deal with the situation. And things always seem more manageable this way.

So, what do you do when you’re feeling lost?

Hey You There…

by syamusa

Hey you there,

Sitting so quietly,

How can you be so unfair?

When you know I care.

I’m here with you,

Yet you are haunted by her ghost,

Don’t you know I see her standing close to you too?

But I love you most,

So what is it that you want me to do?

I cry,

I try to be all you want,

But all I seem to do is compare,

Myself, her, do I dare ask…

If you truly care?

Hey you there,

With that ghost of yours,

Do you expect me to share?

When I want every bit of you?

My heart is weak,

It pains me to love you this much,

Oh, with every touch,

I can feel myself falter,

But that doesn’t really matter,

Because all I want is for you to get better.

Leave her,

Erase her from your mind,

And be mine,

Because I can make you happy,

And I know that sounds so sappy,

But you know I do try.

Hey you there,

I am real,

And I am here.

Sometimes…

by syamusa

Sometimes I wish one of my best friend’s a girl. Sometimes. Because then, people would be more accepting of our friendship. None of that ‘oh are you in love with him?’ or ‘aaawww you two look so cute together!’ business. It’d be a friendship that everyone would just assume to just be sisterly.

But then again, why should I wish that my best friend needs to change gender? Hell, I like how it feels like I’m the manly one and he’s the feminine one. I like how even though I’m the girl, he knows more about fashion and what not. I like how even though he’s the guy, I’m the one that likes to watch action movies. Is our society still so narrow minded that they can’t accept a guy and a girl to be just friends?

Honestly, I understand that there must be limits between a guy and a girl…and even in my religion it says this. I know all of this, I do know…and I’m not asking you all to overlook my sins, but I do ask for a bit of an understanding. Understand that my intentions towards my best friend is pure, as pure as if he were a girl. Hard to believe? Really? Then look at the way I treat him and then look at the way I treat my best girl friends. There is no difference.

So no, I am not in love with him, but I DO love him. There is a huge difference. I just wish that people could see that.

Love Will Hurt You The Most…

by syamusa

Love will hurt you the most.

My best friend told me that a fortune teller told him this. I laughed, because I don’t really believe in this fortune teller junk. However, my best friend seemed so genuinely concerned about this that I couldn’t really tell him how ridiculous I thought he was being.

But if I could say something, I would’ve said something like this…

“Love hurts for everyone my dear. You don’t really need a fortune teller to know that.”

Boy, that line could win awards because seriously I’ve seen how love can make a person hate, and yet never truly despise. I’ve seen how love can turn someone completely calm into a wreckless, nervous man filled with insecurities. Love is a wonderful thing, and like anything wonderful…hardship is needed to cling onto its’ brilliance.

When you love someone, you’d feel like your whole life is in the palm of their hands – so dependent, so needy. And try as you may to control these feelings, they would keep coming. The need to always be together, and the near obsession to see the other smile just once. When you’re happy, it’s not really because your partner’s happy…it actually has to do with the beautiful feeling of knowing someone is happy because you are in his or her life.

Is love selfish? Probably. But it also makes us act unselfishly even if it hurts to do it. Even if your partner does not reciprocate the same amount of affection as you, you would still carry on with your fondness like a puppy to an owner who’s asked it to step out of the house.

Ah, love. It brings so much pain and yet, so many people yearn for it. I yearn it, and I already have it.

Love will hurt you the most,…but with it comes great happiness.