What can I say? It truly has been a beautiful year. Not just for me, but for my whole family.

As you probably know, both my siblings got married this year. It came as a complete shock to my parents and I mind you – we never would have even imagine that both of them would get married this year.

Sure, we knew my brother would want to get married soon. But see, since my parents are pretty big on tradition, they’d prefer my sister to get married first. Which she eventually did, only about 5 months ahead of my brother.

Huh. When people ask me what it feels like to have both siblings get married this year, I’d say that it’s definitely been an adventure. I’m going to miss all the wedding prep – the food tasting, the wrapping of gifts, the random relatives coming over to discuss matters during the wedding. But what was even more incredible to witness…was the pure happiness in both my brother’s and sister’s eyes.

I actually mentioned that in my speech – which no one could hear. But nevertheless, it’s definitely something I’m so happy to see. I’m not saying that I want to jump the wedding wagon, but really it was nice seeing a fiction like fairy tale come to life. And I didn’t just see it once, I saw it twice.

But perhaps one of the treasures that I got for myself this year is love.  And no I’m not just talking about the love people give me, but the love I’ve developed for people around me. There have been so many additions to the family this year, even relatives that I weren’t close to now have become one of my favourite people of all time. But perhaps the most treasured love I feel this year, is the love I feel for this special person who decided to come into my life on July 17^th, 2011. I’m sure he knows who he is

Love comes in the most unsuspecting way. Even when you’re not looking for it, it’ll somehow come to find you. I definitely weren’t looking for love, hell love was the furthest from my mind when I met this person. But then…now that I’ve gotten it, I really don’t know how to make myself stop feeling the way I do. And I hope that he feels the same way.

Also, what I’m grateful for…is the love that continues to follow me throughout my life. My parents, my friends…including my gorgeous lover . I know I’m not exactly the best person at times, but it’s nice to know that there are still people in my life that I can depend on.

Love. Love. And more love. Definitely a year to remember. If 2012 really is the end of the world (which I don’t believe in at all…but for the sake of being poetic…), then I pray that on the last day of Earth I’d get to at least think of all of these beautiful events occurring to me, I hope I do get to remember 2011.

Memories are not recordings that you can rewind and replay and watch it exactly as it has happened. Memories are, quite frankly, what you make them to be. This year, I’m not saying that I haven’t been hurt, I haven’t been disappointed or stressed or depressed…but I’m merely choosing to keep the good memories close to my heart…or the amygdala and hippocampus of the brain to be more precise (amygdala of the brain = regulating emotions, hippocampus = memories…sorry psychology part of me needs to speak).

Anyway, I pray that no matter how good, or crappy this year may be for anyone of you readers out there, that you’d choose the good memories to remember but to understand your regrets so that you may do better for the year to come.

Happy New Year guys!

Sya

People blog about different things all the time. Some like to blog about their colourful lives, some blog about food, and some pictures. If you read through the posts that I’ve made, you’ll notice that other than the absolutely lame ones, I usually blog about my opinions. And sometimes I have trouble deciding what to post and what not to.

You see most of these opinionated posts are inspired by some small incidents that I happen to experience or witness, that prompt my brain to form a judgement or some kind of explanation or conclusion. And sometimes these incidents are very much connected to the people around me, some of which do read this blog. (Do they really? It’s probably better to say that they may possibly read my posts since they have the blog link. Can’t say they really do read for sure) So even if I use anonymous names, the people related in the posts would inevitably conclude that I am talking about them. There’s really no problem if I’m complimenting them in the posts, but what if the post is about my opinion differing from theirs or one that condemns their behaviour? Should I still put it up?

Most of the time, I do not directly insult people by blogging. If I’m really unhappy about someone I care, I would approach them directly, in private, instead of blogging about it publicly, making everyone else guess about who it is about and leaving the person in question uncomfortable.What usually happens, though, is I make a generalization. Many a times I already have an opinion formed about something, for example, about whining and complaining. But I am reminded and have the urge to blog about it only when someone does that in front of me. And of course, if that person happen to visit our blog, he/she will definitely come to the conclusion that I’m bitching about him/her since he/she recently just whined to me. Just wanna make it clear, sure, that post applies to you, but it’s not JUST about you, it’s about everyone who does that. I don’t do personal attacks. It’s just a general statement that I dislike that attitude. Doesn’t mean I don’t like you as a whole.

But what happens if I am confronted with a situation where whatever I want to blog is exclusively about that person? Where I have never formed an opinion before, and it formed because the person in question did or say something? Do I still blog about it?

Sure, I could make it sound like a generalization as well. But it doesn’t go well with my conscience; like I’ve said, I don’t do personal attacks, especially if I don’t particularly dislike that person. What makes me even more uncomfortable is that some of my friends do discuss about blogs. Like about how so and so dissed another person on his/her blog. I can totally imagine them talking about how I dissed someone else in my blog. That makes me squirm.

Blogging is a funny thing. Some people are very decisive about this – they either want to share their thoughts publicly or they want to make blogging their private haven, something like a diary, where no one or only selected few can enter. I envy them. I think most of us fall somewhere in between. We want to share our thoughts to our friends and family, and yet sometimes we hope that certain people don’t read it. Or maybe we just want to rant privately but secretly hope that someone reads it and give us a pat on our backs and say, hey, I get what you mean. And sometimes when we privatise our blogs so that only our closest friends could read them, just to find ourselves in a dilemma when we want to blog about those closest friends. Can you imagine the awkwardness? It’s like you’re writing about that person knowing that only he/she can view your blog. It’s like you’re writing a letter to him/her, but saying that it’s about some random guy/girl, knowing full well that the person who reads the post is the one you’re talking about.

I understand that some things are best left unsaid. Having said that, I still do have some moments where I really really want to blog about it, even though I shouldn’t or can’t, like an itch at a place you can’t reach waiting to be scratched. I guess that’s what best friends are for – to help you relieve that itch while bitching about some other things that you can’t blog about.

Okay why am I quoting Adele’s Someone Like You? Well I’ve been told by two people I’m very close to that this song reminds them of me. The first person who said that even sang and recorded it for me. Now at first, I didn’t really know how to take it. A heart broken song sounds like me? Really? Do I give off the heart broken vibe everytime you see me? XD

But regardless of whatever their reasons may be for saying this song sounds like me…the lyrics really do speak to my soul. For some odd reason o.O. lol

Yeah a random post LMAO. But I thought it would be interesting to share this…and I’m so sorry for not writing in this blog for a while now. It’s been a hectic semester…and all I really wanna do is to go back to warm Malaysia and be around the people I love.

His expression turned oh so serious, and you could see the cogs of his mind turning, trying to recall if he turned it off. So I promptly told him that we have no choice but to complete your errand, head back home and just pray that your rice isn’t burnt. To which he replied, “why not you take the car back home, turn off the gas, and then come back to the hospital to fetch me?”

How could I not entertain his request? Once he dropped off, I took the car back home to solve the great mystery. Walked into the kitchen and…

… there was no fire. He did turn the gas off.

So I headed back to the hospital again and picked him up, took him back home, to enjoy the unburnt rice.

So what do I do? I suppose I’m a “checklist” kinda person. I would form in my mind a checklist of what needs to be done, and first divide them into categories of things that I can do, and things that can’t be helped. The latter category will be filed away because I know that no matter how much I worry about them, I can’t do a thing about them. The former I will sort according to importance. Some items may be grouped together and performed together to save time. Some I may outsource for help. Then I will assign the tasks to designated time slots. And proceed to take action. If there isn’t much that can be done then I’ll just do something totally unrelated, like jogging or reading manga. I’m beginning to speak gibberish but you may know what I mean.

Somehow doing all these calms me. It’s like I have a purpose and I’m doing all I can to deal with the situation. And things always seem more manageable this way.

So, what do you do when you’re feeling lost?

Sitting so quietly,

How can you be so unfair?

When you know I care.

I’m here with you,

Yet you are haunted by her ghost,

Don’t you know I see her standing close to you too?

But I love you most,

So what is it that you want me to do?

I cry,

I try to be all you want,

But all I seem to do is compare,

Myself, her, do I dare ask…

If you truly care?

Hey you there,

With that ghost of yours,

Do you expect me to share?

When I want every bit of you?

My heart is weak,

It pains me to love you this much,

Oh, with every touch,

I can feel myself falter,

But that doesn’t really matter,

Because all I want is for you to get better.

Leave her,

Erase her from your mind,

And be mine,

Because I can make you happy,

And I know that sounds so sappy,

But you know I do try.

Hey you there,

I am real,

And I am here.

But then again, why should I wish that my best friend needs to change gender? Hell, I like how it feels like I’m the manly one and he’s the feminine one. I like how even though I’m the girl, he knows more about fashion and what not. I like how even though he’s the guy, I’m the one that likes to watch action movies. Is our society still so narrow minded that they can’t accept a guy and a girl to be just friends?

Honestly, I understand that there must be limits between a guy and a girl…and even in my religion it says this. I know all of this, I do know…and I’m not asking you all to overlook my sins, but I do ask for a bit of an understanding. Understand that my intentions towards my best friend is pure, as pure as if he were a girl. Hard to believe? Really? Then look at the way I treat him and then look at the way I treat my best girl friends. There is no difference.

So no, I am not in love with him, but I DO love him. There is a huge difference. I just wish that people could see that.

My best friend told me that a fortune teller told him this. I laughed, because I don’t really believe in this fortune teller junk. However, my best friend seemed so genuinely concerned about this that I couldn’t really tell him how ridiculous I thought he was being.

But if I could say something, I would’ve said something like this…

“Love hurts for everyone my dear. You don’t really need a fortune teller to know that.”

Boy, that line could win awards because seriously I’ve seen how love can make a person hate, and yet never truly despise. I’ve seen how love can turn someone completely calm into a wreckless, nervous man filled with insecurities. Love is a wonderful thing, and like anything wonderful…hardship is needed to cling onto its’ brilliance.

When you love someone, you’d feel like your whole life is in the palm of their hands – so dependent, so needy. And try as you may to control these feelings, they would keep coming. The need to always be together, and the near obsession to see the other smile just once. When you’re happy, it’s not really because your partner’s happy…it actually has to do with the beautiful feeling of knowing someone is happy because you are in his or her life.

Is love selfish? Probably. But it also makes us act unselfishly even if it hurts to do it. Even if your partner does not reciprocate the same amount of affection as you, you would still carry on with your fondness like a puppy to an owner who’s asked it to step out of the house.

Ah, love. It brings so much pain and yet, so many people yearn for it. I yearn it, and I already have it.

Love will hurt you the most,…but with it comes great happiness.

Sure talking about the past is something I do quite often…but I tend to like to choose which one I do speak off. Something non significant probably…like…hey I remember when I was a kid I liked those duck toys (hahaha no seriously I did )…and if I do speak of something significant, it’s usually with very few people that I trust.

Why? Because when I speak about the past, that sense of nostalgia takes over wayyyy too much…till thoughts of what ifs come to mind. The word ‘what’ and ‘if’ combined together can influence your very being – it can consume you and make you regret decisions – decisions that very well led you to the person you are today. And what’s worse is that when what ifs come to my mind, I forget about the person I am now and the present.

And seriously…who in the world wants that?!?! And I’m sure I’m not the only one who has this….nostalgia attack. The few individuals that I know that do experience too much nostalgia…and they’re not exactly the happiest people on Earth. That’s why when someone talks about something in their past, and have this…longing look on their faces…I think it’s best to switch topics. No point in continuing. If you do continue, I’d feel awkward…like…should I tell you to stop? Should I just listen on and I don’t know…sympathize with you? I’m merely a future psychologist, not a mind reader…so even though I know being empathetic is part of a must-have trait of a psychologist, I am pretty much human – and in moments where you look at me with pain in your eyes, I think to myself ‘oh s**t what do I do?!?’

Honestly, why put yourself in that situation? Where you feel so bad that you’d wish you were back in time? When really here you are, with the person you are today, with your current life playing before you. Can’t the past be pushed aside to concentrate on the present? That’s what I think anyway. And that’s why I don’t like endulging in the past. I’ve been down that road, and I don’t want to go down that road anymore.

So when someone keeps pushing and keeps asking me about something I really don’t want to talk about – especially if I don’t even know the person well – let’s just say I get really annoyed. Can you just calm down? I mean…does it really matter so much to you to know every detail of my past? Isn’t it enough to know me in the present?

And then…oh boy, another one that drives me insane…is when an ex good friend suddenly pops out of no where and starts talking about our past together. I feel like saying “OH MY GOD I’m not the same person as I was before, you’re not the same person you were before. And if we really still care for each other this much, we’d make an effort to stay in contact more often.” You can’t expect me to be the person I was before, just like how I won’t expect you to.

So really if you ask me something about the past, and I say something like “Nevermind.” or “That’s not important.” then let it be. It’s not that I’m pushing you away, but it’s more like I like to live in the present. If it’s important enough to mention, I’ll tell you of course. Not knowing my past, doesn’t mean you won’t know me.

And then you feel that guilt. And what’s worse is that that guilt makes you think of other consequences that may arise.

If you hurt that someone, if the person doesn’t mean anything to you that’s OK (well relatively OK). But if you hurt someone you care about….and then they start to hate you for it…then it’s probably one of the few things that makes me feel like I’m such a horrible person.

But then what IF what you’re doing, no matter how wreckless it is and no matter how much you hurt that person , you don’t really care. Somehow something that started as being fun, somehow became sort of serious. And you don’t know how to stop. But at the same time you don’t want to hurt the person, not now or ever.

It’s confusing…and I don’t really know what to do.

P/S WEDDING RECEPTION IS HEREEEEE!!!